


Getting back on track

by Mindovermatter



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x20, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Boys In Love, Getting Back Together, Insecure Magnus Bane, Just lots of longing and pining, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Angst, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Malec, Mutual Pining, Season Finale, Shadowhunters - Freeform, Spoilers too kind of, True Love, magnus and alec get back together, one shot sort of, soul mates, they always find their way back to each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 03:09:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14907194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mindovermatter/pseuds/Mindovermatter
Summary: This is based on the season 2 finale of Shadowhunters, more specifically on the last malec scenes. All lines I've used are from the episode. I have written backstory to these particular scenes and described them in my best prowess. I have given them more depth and character, as I think there was a lot to be told about them. I absolutely loved the scenes and the episode itself and I wanted to give you my take on what was behind the lines. I hope you enjoy!





	Getting back on track

Alec walked through the crowd of people, only wanting to get to one. He was heading towards Magnus because he needed to make it right with him, he owed that to himself and Magnus. For a moment he had hesitated if he should follow his gut on this or not, since he had no idea what he should say or if Magnus even wanted to hear it. He knew how he felt and what he wanted, but he wasn’t confident with his ability to express those feelings in the right way. He couldn’t lose Magnus because of his deficiency to do so. But as he was approaching him, he remembered that the person he was getting to, was the one who told him to always follow his gut and do what was in his heart, so he decided to go for it.

Magnus had been acting weird and distant, and it was throwing Alec off. He had no experience on relationships, meaning he didn’t know how to act in this kind of situation. He couldn’t figure out what Magnus was thinking or how he was feeling. The only thing Alec knew was that he would have to find out, because he couldn’t do this any longer - live with the pain of not knowing. He had to find out how Magnus felt and where they stood, since Magnus hadn’t made it all that easy for Alec to figure it out on his own.

“Hey”, Alec said quietly, sounding fragile and beat. He was exhausted for many reasons, but mostly because of his inability to sleep without Magnus in his arms.

“Hey”, Magnus answered right back, trying his best to sound amicable.

“You look like you got your energy back”, Alec stated with a sound of relief in his voice. He couldn’t just dive straight into the conversation that he was dreading to have, which mean that he'd have to make small talk.

“Mhhmm”, Magnus answered subtly, not knowing how to respond. But then he continued as he wanted to fill the awkward silence that would’ve settled between them if he didn't.

“My go-to home remedy after a major magic-depletion, boiling hot bath, eight-ounce steak, medium-rare, and a lot of these”, Magnus explained as he lifted up the drink he was referring to. He was trying to hide the uncertainty and yearning in his voice. He was focused on trying to ignore and steer away the elephant in the room.

Alec looked at Magnus with so many questions. He was looking at him with love, sadness, curiosity and confusion, all at the same time. But all that was overshadowed because Magnus wasn’t his. He had to repeat that to himself, so he wouldn’t forget that that was the reality. They weren’t them anymore, not in the way they could still be. They were acting like any two people. Keeping everything they wanted to say to each other, to themselves. Hiding it away, trying to anyway, was killing them both. Alec felt like he needed to say something, get out whatever it was, but he stopped himself from talking before thinking it through. He shut that voice down, because that’s what he always did. He was scared of what would happen if he took a risk that he hadn’t taken before. He could ruin it for good. He could lose Magnus and that thought made him feel terrified.

Magnus was on edge. He didn’t know how to be around Alec like this. Friendly but not too friendly. He had been acting rude and distant before, because he felt as if he had to, in order to stay away from Alec. He couldn’t even look at him without wanting to be with him again, as closely as possible. He hated how he barely had any will-power, when it came to Alec. He hated the way he had acted, and he despised himself for making the choices he had made. He knew he had been thrown off, as he was trying to survive the break up, but that didn’t stop him from beating himself up for it.

He had hated every moment that he had spent without Alec, because all he was able to do was think about was him. He didn’t know how to live with himself without him. Hundreds of years old, and yet this particular shadowhunter was the only thing that seemed to keep him grounded these days. He had fallen deeper and deeper in love with him every day and he was convinced he’d never stop falling deeper.

He knew it would be a challenge to keep himself from going back. Being away from the person whom he had grown to love so deeply, was one of the most challenging things he had ever had to do. Alec had captured a part of Magnus’ heart and he still had it, tightly in the palms of his hands. He wasn’t just a challenge to Magnus anymore, he was someone Magnus had grown to know, love and care for, more than he ever thought he would, and the now the challenge was staying away from him.

“Mmm. Any sign of demons?” Magnus asked casually as he was trying to sound chilled, which was the opposite of how he was feeling. However, Magnus knew how to pretend, he had had years and years of practice on that after all. Ultimately, it was what he did best.

Magnus was trying to indulge in this pointless conversation that held no meaning, to distract himself from how he felt near Alec. It was extremely hard for him to resist him. It felt excruciating to see him look so gorgeous and not be able to do as much as touch him. If he touched him, he’d never be able to stop himself. Perhaps he was even trying to stop Alec from taking the turn to talk. He didn’t want to give him the chance to change the subject to them, to their current situation, because he had no idea what that would lead to. He couldn’t stand the idea of losing Alec permanently. Magnus was just as nervous as Alec, maybe even more so, as he was the one to try and keep the conversation cursory.

He couldn’t act like he used to around Alec. He couldn’t be the Magnus Alec made him out to be, not when they were apart like this. He had to be someone else, someone who would want to stay away. He had to be who he had been for hundreds of years. Distant, emotionless and ruthless. That was who he was without Alec. Alec’s influence made him different, better, happy. Alec shaped him into the best version of himself and that’s exactly what made this love so special. It was love at its best.

“None. Sensor maps are completely clear of Wraith demons. It’s the strangest thing, it’s like they disappeared into thin air”, Alec answered the question directly, putting aside what he actually wanted to talk about.

“Well, then we can take this moment. To celebrate”, Magnus said sounding insincere and uncomfortable. He didn’t feel settled, he felt out of place. He wanted to make it right, but he didn’t know how. He hoped Alec would step in and change the mood somehow. On some level, he wanted him to fight for him, for them.

Magnus was sipping his drink nervously and Alec was just about to drink his too, but then he decided not to. He decided to take another route. He couldn’t act like this when he had so much to say. He had no idea how Magnus felt or how he'd take it but he couldn’t let that stop him from stepping in anymore. He had to speak up because he knew what he wanted, and it was time to fight for it. It was time to fight for Magnus.

“Can we talk?” Alec said sounding a bit intimidating. These were the words he had been dreading to say all night, so they came out holding the anticipation and pressure the long wait had added to them.

“Yeah…” Magnus said with a puff. He was not ready for this conversation, but he knew it had to be had.

Alec walked to the door expecting Magnus to follow. He walked fast, as if he was desperate to get a moment alone. A moment to prepare himself for what was coming. He didn’t know what it was, but he was scared it wouldn’t be what he wanted it to be.

Magnus was anguished. The way Alec said, “Can we talk?” had made Magnus feel apprehensive. Maybe Magnus just imagined it, but to him it sounded like it was time for the “I’m done with you” speech and Magnus had heard that too many times. He couldn’t be more afraid to hear it from Alec. He wasn’t ready for that. He would never be ready for that.

Magnus finished his drink taking in all the alcohol he possibly could. If this went the way he feared it would, he’d need to be as numb as possible. He had to be set for anything that could happen. He needed to calm his nerves. Magnus simply couldn’t face Alec sober when he had to act like he was cool with not being with him, like it didn’t profoundly suck for him.

Alec was the love of his life. He was scared to admit it, because Alec was mortal, and he wasn’t. He asked himself so many times if it was worth it, if they were worth that inevitable heartbreak that would follow. He wasn’t sure of the answer. The only thing he knew for sure, was that he could never walk away from Alec and not come back to him. Not if Alec wanted him to stay. He couldn’t leave him behind. He had tried to, but Alec had pulled him back in like a magnet. He would suffer the pain of the world just to keep Alec safe and sound. He would do anything to make him happy. He had never felt this kind of love for anyone. The connection they had was new for him, it was something he had never felt before. He had never been so ready to fight for anyone, not in the way he was for Alec.

Alec walked further along the alley. He moved around nervously, shaking from the cold air and the nerves that were trying to get the best of him. He was trying hard to ignore, shake away, the feeling that he wouldn’t be able to do this. He wanted to postpone it, call it off, but he knew he couldn’t. He had to get it over with. He was getting cold and all he could think about was Magnus’ warm embrace. He had to focus on the possibility he could feel that again, if he did this right. He took a deep breath and let it out heavily. It was hard for him to breathe, as he had so much at stake. It was like he needed Magnus to be able to even breathe easily.

Magnus followed Alec but then at the door, he stopped. A part of him wanted to take a step back. He considered his options and came to the conclusion that this was his only one. He touched his face with his hand as a sign of uncertainty of what to do, on how to handle this. Fear was written all over his face. He built up his courage and slowly walked towards him, not getting too close. He hesitated if he should make an eye contact or not, he didn’t even know if he could, without falling in love all over again. He was afraid of acknowledging the situation, the beautiful man in front of him that he might lose. But he couldn’t escape Alec’s gaze. It always drew him in. There was just something about him. His presence was something Magnus could never ignore.

“Magnus I’m sorry”, Alec stated clearly, sincerity in his voice. He couldn’t help but apologize again, as he knew that he had a lot to be sorry for. He just hoped he’d be given a chance to fix it. A chance to try anyway.

He didn’t apologize because he wanted Magnus back. He didn’t say it to win an argument, nor was he being repetitive or sarcastic. He just wanted Magnus to know that. He knew he had screwed up and he wasn’t too stubborn to admit it. He knew Magnus had the right to be angry with him and he wanted to make sure he knew that. He wanted to show that he wasn’t making excuses, but just taking the full responsibility of what he had done.

“Don’t apology”, Magnus said calmly, as if it was needless for Alec to say it again, for him to hear it again.

“No, I should’ve told you about the soul sword”, Alec said back quickly. He didn’t want Magnus to bypass what he was saying. It was important the he knew how much he meant it when he said it. He cared about doing right by Magnus, more than anything.

“It’s in the past”, Magnus said and meant it. He felt guilty for many things too. He had made decisions that he regretted now, but that were made for the right reasons. He knew Alec made all of his choices with good intentions. He’d never hurt him intentionally. He could understand Alec’s point of view better now that he had had time to think it all through. He knew that Alec never meant to hurt him, and he knew the valid reasons behind his decision. That was all he needed to know to be able to forgive him.

Magnus hadn’t been acting rude, because he was angry. He wasn’t, at least not with Alec. He couldn’t be angry at Alec for longer than a day even if he wanted to. Alec was always so sincere with his apologies and responsible with his actions, it melted Magnus’ heart in the matter of seconds. When he made a mistake, he made up for it. Magnus had acted the way he had, to cope, to hide the pain he felt. To survive.

When Magnus broke up with Alec, he didn’t do it because he couldn’t forgive Alec for what he had done. He did it partly because the fact that he could so easily, felt wrong to him. The fact that he would always choose Alec first and think of him no matter what he did, scared him. He didn’t want to be that codependent. He couldn’t be so reliant on Alec, a mortal, he’d inevitably have to lose.

Magnus thought he could get used to life without him. He could get over him like he had gotten over everyone else, that's what he had told himself. He really had tried to stay away, but it hadn’t made any difference. Alec was in the back of his mind, every step of the way, every moment of every day. If anything, it had made Magnus even more sure of Alec than he had been before. Magnus couldn’t just stop loving him. He was here to stay. He needed him in his life, and he was done denying himself that.

Magnus hugged himself as a sign of defense. He lifted his arms up to shield himself, to be guarded, because now that it was just Alec and him, he couldn’t rely on his usual coping mechanism. He couldn’t deny himself from feeling, from being real. He couldn’t be cold and callous now. Not with Alec, not like this. He couldn’t hurt Alec or himself like that. He knew this moment was too real to be acting like it wasn’t. He didn’t want to make Alec think that what they had, meant nothing to him. It meant everything.

It was silent for a while until Alec decided to speak up again.

“Magnus, ever since our… fights… I…“, Alec said with unsure sighs in between words. He didn’t know how to explain, what to call, the events they had recently passed.

Magnus was embarrassed in a way. Of the way he had acted, of the way he had made Alec feel.

“Well, I can’t… I can’t think straight”, He said stuttering, wobbling his hand next to his head, as he was trying to enliven his words. He didn’t know how to exactly describe how he had been feeling. How could he explain how empty he had felt without him? How lifeless and numb Magnus had made him feel by leaving him.

Magnus looked at Alec with slight amusement, as he realized the irony of that sentence. Then he thought about what he should say, how to respond. He knew what he was thinking about saying and it was the absolute truth. He just wasn’t sure if it was safe to say it out loud just yet, as it exposed him and his feelings completely. There was still a chance of getting hurt after all.

“Well, I can’t do anything without… thinking of you”, Magnus said quietly, but tenderly. He didn’t think he’d admit his true feelings to anyone ever again, not after it had backfired on him so many times. He had learned to keep it quiet, to stay stable. That way, the fall was easier and the hurt more bearable. But this was Alec. He wasn’t just anyone, he was different and he had proved that more than once.

Alec continued what he was saying immediately, “Magnus, I, uh”, Alec said faintly and hastily, as he wanted to get it out of his chest before he could talk himself into backing out of it. He didn’t want to be repressed anymore. He wanted to take a chance at being happy, with Magnus.

“I don’t think I can live without you”, Alec said now sounding nothing but sure, despite the choice of words that could've made it seem the opposite.

Magnus was shocked. He wasn’t expecting to hear Alec say that. He had thought he had screwed it up as he had acted so poorly. He had presumed he was too much for Alec to handle. He had been told he was, countless times. He had begun to believe no one would ever be able to accept him as who he was, let alone love him with and for all his flaws. But for the first time someone truly and completely did. Someone wanted to stay, despite the struggles. Not for anything else, but for him. Magnus knew that Alec meant what he said, because he did still trust him, more than anyone.

Alec shook his head, his expression convincing Magnus of how he felt. Alec was being honest and there was this certainty in his voice, that you couldn't mistake for anything else. His composure was open as he let himself be completely fragile. Despite these past days and the latest proceedings, Alec was still sure of him and he knew how to show it.

“I thought I had to choose between you and the downworld. But I don’t”, Magnus said as he looked at Alec fondly, knowing exactly what to do. Now that he knew how Alec felt, he was sure of himself.

“A wise man once told me”, Magnus said coherently and continued by playfully imitating Alec “Relationships take effort.”

Alec laughed a little. It was so gratifying to see Magnus be the Magnus he knew and loved again.

“Yeah well, that was an understatement”, Alec said contentedly, with love in his eyes as he watched Magnus laugh at his comeback. God, he had missed this. He had missed his smile and everything about him more than words could ever cut.

Even though their love was difficult at times, it was worth hanging on to, and theyhas both knew that.

“You know what’s not an understatement?” Magnus said gently, as he drew himself closer to Alec. He could feel his heart settling on its place as he finally let himself follow its lead.

Magnus walked towards Alec and pressed his lips gently on his. He kissed him softly, but with passion and longing. It was more than just a kiss to them, it went beyond two lips pressed against each other. It felt like heaven and it held a large amount of love and meaning behind it. It was like two souls coming together as one, better and stronger than before. Their lips pressed together, as they connected through that simple act, was all that had been missing.

The kiss was satisfying as it was, but at the same time, it was eager for more.

They stayed in that kiss and in that moment at length, as it had been denied from them for too long. They were close to each other again and now that they were, they didn’t want to let go again.

When they finally parted, breathing felt easy and effortless again. Suddenly, all that anguish and fear from before was gone. Now the air was filled with ease, love and their bound beauty, beauty that they brought out in each other when they were together.

“I’m all into parties, but what do you say we get out of here?” Magnus said flirtatiously. He needed to be with Alec completely and fully. As soon as possible, and for as long as he could.

“Yes”, Alec said as he let out a pleased sigh. Hearing those words were like music to his ears. Now he could finally unwind and just revel in the moment with the love of his life.

Now they could finally breathe, as they were together again and in love at last.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always, all feed back is appreciated.


End file.
